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2006
30
Mar

Adios, Ahmad

Hoops fever is sweeping the Mason Nation. The Patriots’ improbable run to the Final Four has not only the sliver devoted to old GMU agog but the entire rest of the nation, too. Well, maybe not everybody.

While the attention of what griping CBS Sports executives inform us is practically nobody is riveted to the little GMU engine that could, lost in the hoopla was a football development in Hooville. Most should remember football, that sport that drew quite a bit of attention in the Commonwealth until NOVA turned into Chapel Hill North, at least on the basketball court if not in the Economics Department.

The kickoff of Festivus Season has coincided with the announcement that the Hoos will be petitioning the ACC to this year sponsor eight-man football instead of the regular variety. Eleven seems to be a bit of a problem for the Hoos as the depth chart keeps getting whittled down. It’s not just the coaches who are leaving town.

It was announced that three more players have been bounced from the Hoo team. They all were starters, at least when they felt like it and were eligible, on that vaunted Hoo defensive unit that was so successful with that ‘bend and then break’ strategy used against Tech. The most famous of the ex-Hoos was Almost-All-Everything linebacker Ahmad ‘The Great’ Brooks. At least Ahmad won’t have to head home in a snit this year to avoid Spring Practice.

The Hoos certainly made no attempt at hiding the reasons for the departures of the last of their defensive team. At a press conference announcing that the underground railway out of Hooville is still every bit as active as it was during Mr. Jefferson’s time, algroh was his usual forthcoming and open self. When asked by the assembled media the reasons for the dismissals from the team of Ahmad The Great and the others, algroh replied, “Somebody tell me again what day is Festivus? They move it around so much I can’t keep track.”

algroh continued to meet the hard questions head-on. When pressed concerning about what Ahamd, Franklin and Redd had done THIS TIME to finally merit being bounced from the team after being brought back after so many transgressions, algroh looked reporters straight in the eye and didn’t waver, saying, “You know, we really ought to have Festivus on Sunday. All of the other great NFL legends coach on Sunday. I should, too. Let those amateurs Beamer and Bowden coach on Saturday.” algroh certainly explained things with all the clarity of a Gregorian railing against the Da Vinci Code.

Watching the television pictures of algroh’s press conference was quite amusing. It was impossible to keep from breaking into laughter at the sight of his beady little eyes darting around the room looking everywhere except at anything sentient. Jack Abramoff looks more sincere.

As algroh daced around the end of Ahmad the Great’s Hooville career, what popped to mind was a similar press conference held several years ago when the great NFL legend announced the signing of Brooks. algroh was in rare form. His viewing audience was informed that the signing of Ahmad the Great marked the beginning of the end for Frank Beamer.

algroh bragged and bragged about how he was, from that instant on, going to dominate recruiting in the state. According to the Grand Chessmaster, his coaching brilliance would be recognized by astute high school wunderkinds hoo would flock to Hooville in droves in order to learn at the feet of the World’s Greatest Coach. algroh continued to brag that his genius would enable him to easily out-smart rank amateurs; Frank Beamer and Bobby Bowden were the two mentioned by name by algroh. The Rotunda would have to be used to hold all of the championship trophies algroh guaranteed to bring to Hooville. How has that worked out, O Great NFL Legend?

For all of the weauxfing by algroh, he has won with almost exactly the same frequency as did George, minus the Really Big Year in 1990 that George delivered but still seems to be eluding the Mouth of Hooville. And now the guy that was to be the cornerstone of all that success, Ahmad the Great, has passed from the scene with nary a championship trophy to be found. Good job, algroh!

That terrific job done by algroh of developing Ahmad the Great, winning all of those championships and putting in his place that coaching slug Frank Beamer, reduced to only winning as much as he had prior to algroh’s grand arrival in Hooville, certainly did not escape the eagle eye of the Great NFL Legend’s General Manager, er, Athletic Director, Craig ‘Tubby, since you’ll have some free time this weekend, let’s have lunch-call me’ Littlepage. Hoos everywhere are no doubt thrilled that Little Craig saw fit to reward such coaching acumen. They are dancing on the Lawn at the thought that they can now look forward to another decade of such ability. What will be even better is that it will seem like a couple of hundred in algroh-years, or at least until Little Craig resurrects the Petey Buyout Fund.

Ahmad the Great was tabbed the best recruit to come out of Virginia since the Greatest Recruit Ever, Ronald Curry. He underachieved about as much as did The Ronald, too. While Curry had to deal with the revolving coaching door that marked his time in Blue Heaven, Ahmad the Great had only algroh. It turned out to be enough. Adios, Ahmad, and thank you, algroh.

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