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LSU Passes on Final Four

A-Line Extra

LSU announced today that its men’s basketball team would not participate in this weekend’s Final Four. Athletic Director Skip Bertman said the move came because of a conflict with the Tigers’ Spring Football Game, also scheduled for Saturday, April 1.

Bertman said he had petitioned the NCAA to move the Final Four away from this weekend to such a time that did not conflict with football, but had been rebuffed. He expressed irritation with the NCAA, saying, “What kind of moron schedules some silly basketball tournament opposite a football game?” adding, “That sure ain’t how we do things in the SEC.”

SEC Commissioner Mike Slive said that it was unfortunate that LSU would be unable to play in the Final Four but that he agreed with the decision, saying, “It’s only basketball, not a real sport or anything.” Slive said he would address what he called the “idiotic timing of the Final Four” during the next television football contract negotiation with CBS, which televises both SEC football and the Final Four.

LSU basketball coach John Brady expressed disappointment that his Tigers would be unable to play for the national championship, but added, “I really wanted to check out our football team this weekend. I think Les Miles can really accomplish something this year.” As for his own team’s success, Brady said, “Hell, it’s only basketball.”

NCAA Selection Committee Chairman, Hoo Athletic Director Craig ‘Tubby couldn’t make a Friday Festivus’ Littlepage said that it was a shame LSU would not play in the Final Four, but added that it was vindication for his committee selecting so many mid-majors for this year’s Tournament. “You sure don’t see George Mason worrying about football practice, do you?” stated Littlepage.

The SEC’s other Final Four team, Florida , will play in the championships this weekend. Gators’ Athletic Director Jeremy Foley said that there was no conflict with Florida ’s Spring Game, set for April 22. “Whew, that was a close one,” exclaimed Foley, adding, “The NCAA really needs to move their basketball championship to a time when it does not conflict with football, Spring football, or football recruiting. The end of June would be about right.”

CBS Sports President Sean McManus quickly announced that Duke would replace LSU in this weekend’s Final Four. McManus cited television ratings for the Duke-LSU Sweet Sixteen game, double those of any other game telecast by the network during this year’s Tournament. “You don’t think all of those people were tuning in to watch LSU, do you?” said McManus in his announcement, adding, “At least somebody will now be in Indianapolis that can draw some decent ratings.”

Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski said that his team would be “F****** honored to play in the Final Four.” Coach K added, “F*** the SEC and their f****** football, and f*** expansion, too. F****** football interfering with basketball sure ain’t a f****** problem here at f****** Duke.”

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