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2008
30
Jul

The Fulmer Cup and You-Know-What

With a week to go before football practice gets underway and only four more weekends without football, it seemed an opportune time to check out the updated Fulmer Cup standings. Recent events might have played a small part in this decision. And, for those who have written to ask, no, I couldn’t resist.

The folks at Every Day Should Be Saturday compile the Fulmer Cup. It awards points to schools based on the quantity and quality of player arrests and ranks the schools accordingly. It is named in honor of the contributions made by Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer to both college football and overcrowded conditions at the Knox County jail. We can assume that when the latest subpoena was served on Phat Phil he was also asked to autograph this year’s trophy.

The Fulmer Cup standings as of 7/29 are as follows:

Noticeably absent from the list is longtime Fulmer Cup mainstay Virginia Tech. Well, it has been awhile since we have heard Frank utter his famous ‘He’s a good kid’ tagline while basing the severity of disciplinary penalties, or any at all, on whether the miscreant was a starter. Whether Tech’s absence is due to recruiting misses or Frank’s responding to the gentle suggestions that he clean up his program, the Hokies are, this year anyway, not a Fulmer Cup contender.

Few ACC teams can be found in the Fulmer Cup Top Ten. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. While the Fulmer Cup standings seem to mirror those of the AP and USA Today ones for its lack of ACC teams, this is one grouping where Little Johnny won’t feel it necessary to attempt to put a positive spin on things. More on the ACC’s lone Fulmer Cup representative in a bit [snicker].

Since the Fulmer Cup tabulates results based on crime and punishment, or lack thereof, it is to be expected the standings would have an SEC presence. It does not disappoint. Fully a third of the twelve teams vying for the Top Ten hail from that august conference.

Heading the list is Alabama. Nick Saban is certainly making his presence felt in a big way. It can be assumed that the reason Nick hasn’t yet gotten around to firming up that Tech-Bama made-for-ABC game is that he has been too busy bailing his players out of jail. First things first, as August practice is right around the corner.

It should come as no surprise to anybody to find the Tide rolling along towards the Fulmer Cup. This is, after all, the place where probation every decade or so is regarded as simply a cost of doing business and multiple player arrests are likely to land the Tuscaloosa police chief in more trouble than any five-star recruit.

Few surprises can be found among the rest of the SEC contenders [the only surprise that would come from the SEC would be Vandy’s appearance in the standings]. Bobby Petrino is off to a fast start at Arkansas. He is well on his way to duplicating his impressive results at Louisville, where almost a quarter of the roster he left behind has now been bounced from the team following a spate of felony arrests ranging from drug dealing to armed robbery.

Georgia’s Mark Richt is demonstrating that he learned all of his lessons well from Bobby Bowden at Florida State, and what listing of Fulmer Cup contenders would be complete without an appearance of the school coached by the award’s namesake.

Other ranked teams show that Rick Neuheisel is back in college football in a big way, Joepa has decided to do something about all of that mediocrity both on and off the field and when Missouri decides to make a big push in football, they don’t screw around. There is also a hint of what they have to look forward to at Michigan.

Then there is the team tied with the Cousins for Number Three in the standings. It would seem that after all of that weauxfing about all of the championships he was going to bring to Hooville, algroh has finally found a ranking in which he can excel. The Hoos have also proven to be quite imaginative when it comes to ways to pad their Fulmer Cup point total.

As if algroh and his Incredible Shrinking Roster didn’t already have enough trouble with bothersome academics and pesky Albemarle County police officers, now this. It’s not every contending Fulmer Cup school that can boast of having two players busted for ripping off beer from the place that describes itself as ‘[Hooville’s] only gay and lesbian bar and nightclub.’ It seems Club 216 is a place to ‘meet hot, hunky men and fabulous women in a great gay-friendly atmosphere,’ not steal beer. The last thing you want is bartender Dee Dee after you.

The first question that pops to mind is, ‘Just what were Barker and Roberts thinking?’ The obvious answer is they weren’t. Very little of a positive nature happens to anyone out drunkenly carousing at 4 in the morning, much less to those whose circuits were so fried as to have been reduced to the primal acts of seeing beer and then taking it. That the theft occurred in a place like Club 216 would seem to indicate that the two players had achieved a rather impressive level of intoxication, or that algroh’s policy of having Wally Wahoo’s faithful sidekick Hoo Boy keeping late-night tabs on them isn’t working out so hot.

This latest in what has become a very long string of embarrassing incidents surrounding algroh’s program does generate much hilarity among those that enjoy poking fun at the pretentious, hoolier-than-thou attitude that emanates from Hooville like estrogen from Club 216, a group that would include me. It seems to be coming as quite a shock to Hoo message board loons to discover that the Lawn residences were constructed primarily of glass. Well, at least there is no evidence that Mr. Jefferson hooked up with Sally while cruising after hours gay bars.

algroh is likely to soon find himself, again, trying to explain things to an exasperated Dr. Casteen. When the Great NFL Legend bragged about his ability to beat Beamer, perhaps player arrest totals and the Fulmer Cup standings were not what the Hoo president had in mind.

Possible explanations from algroh, such as the two players being in Club 216 as an extension of the school’s diversity program, are not likely to cut much ice. Suggestions that AD Craig ‘Geez, Tubby, it never ends with algroh’ Littlepage now has marketing opportunities to advertise those slow-selling tickets in the Advocate probably won’t impress Dr. Casteen, either. The arrests of Barker and Roberts were relatively minor offenses; it was the circumstances that made them noteworthy and fodder for ridicule. But, it was a straw that finally broke the camel’s back.

While awaiting the end of the Dead Zone and the awarding of this year’s Fulmer Cup, there is another Friday afternoon looming. I sure hope my buddy the Hoo Lawyer shows up at our favorite watering hole. That might now be in question, however, and not only due to my being in possession of a fresh belt of ammunition for our decades-long battle of humorous insults. Our favorite watering hole is a straight bar.

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