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2009
14
Jan

Fredo Spazzes Out

A-Line Extra

Fredo recently announced that he had elevated Defensive Coordinator Frank Spaziani to the position of Head Football Coach. The job had been vacant since former coach Jeff Jagodzinski had determined that unemployment was preferable to spending another day coaching the team.

Many might have missed the announcement, since it was buried in the ‘Sports Briefs’ section of most newspapers, right under the announcements of Team Penske hiring some new Indy car driver and the first manager of the San Diego Padres kicking the bucket.

The crack A-Line staff was dispatched to provide a little more depth to a couple of lines in the part of the newspaper that nobody reads. They uncovered this transcript of the phone conversation between Robert Holmes, Assistant Sports Editor of the Boston Globe, who received a call from Fredo’s AD Gene DeFilippo announcing the announcement. Holmes was already on the phone.

“Yeah, this looks like trouble. The Yankees sign the All Star team and the best the Red Sox can do is John freaking Smoltz. I guess we can kiss those playoff trips good-bye. Hold on, I’ve got another call. Hello, Globe Sports.”

“This is Fredo. I’m calling to announce that we will be hiring a new football coach.”

“Belichick quit? That is huge news. He misses the playoffs for one year and that’s it?”

“No, not the Patriots. This is Fredo.”

“Who?”

“You know, the college football team in Boston.”

“There’s college football in Boston? Who are you, really? Is this Mike Lupica? Lupica, you kidder, you got me again.”

“No, no. There really is a college football team in Boston.”

“Since when?”

“1892.”

“I’ll be damned. Who knew? What conference do you play in?”

“The ACC.”

“That southern league? Look, buddy, a joke’s a joke, but we’re pretty busy around here, what with covering the Celtics, Patriots, Celtics and Bruins. We really don’t have time for this kind of foolishness.”

“I’m not kidding. We really do play football in the ACC.”

“Is this a crank call? Hold on, Bob Ryan just walked by. Hey Ryan. I’ve got some guy on the phone. He says his name is Fredo and he plays football in the ACC. Okay, smart guy, Ryan says he’s never heard of you. I’m hanging up now.”

“I’m telling the truth. We’re hiring a new football coach and the Eagle Nation will want to hear the exciting news.”

“What’s the Eagle Nation?”

“It’s our fan base.”

“There are a lot of nations around Boston. There’s Red Sox Nation, Celtics Nation. You can’t throw a bean pot without hitting a member of some nation, but that there is an Eagle Nation is news to me.”

“It’s a small group.”

“You must be the Lichtenstein of sports nations. Okay, if you really are who you say you are and there really is an Eagle Nation, tell me about your football coach. Who was the last one?”

“Jeff Jagodzinski.”

“The NFL guy? He’s been in Boston? Since when?”

“The last two years.”

“No shit? Why did he leave?”

“I fired him.”

“He must have lost a lot.”

“No, he won twenty games in two years.”

“You fired a guy who won that much? Why did you do that?”

“He didn’t like it here and was looking to leave. I beat him to the punch.”

“He must have been stir crazy from the solitude. Who’s the new coach?”

“Frank Spaziani.”

“Who’s he?”

“He was the Defensive Coordinator.”

“Never heard of him. So there really is college football in Boston. How about that? Live and learn.”

“”So, will you be covering our press conference?”

“I don’t know about that. The Revolution is announcing some exhibition game. They’re a pro team, well, kind of, and Boston is a pro town. We’ll see what we can do.”

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