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Expansion Ended


ACC Commissioner John ‘Little Johnny’ Swofford announced today that due to conference expansion having turned into an “expensive failure,” effective April 1, 2009, the ACC was returning Virginia Tech, Miami and Fredo to the Big East.

Speaking to reporters assembled at the ACC’s Grandover headquarters in Greensboro, Swofford said that while expansion “seemed like a good idea at the time, things just haven’t worked out.”

The ACC commish said that with the recession squeezing member athletic budgets and the upcoming reduction on football television rights the league “just can’t afford to keep these guys around anymore. It costs a fortune to ship women in whatever those sports they play to Boston and Miami. We can’t afford it anymore.”

Expounding, Swofford blamed the Denver media consultant who identified the original expansion candidates of Miami, Fredo and Syracuse. “He was about as wrong as he could be,” claimed Swofford, adding, “Those big media markets don’t do you a hell of a lot of good when [television] stations in those big cities ain’t carrying conference games.”

Continuing his rationale for returning the three schools to the Big East, Swofford said, “Look at the football championship game. We’re losing our shirts on it. With these kinds of staggering losses, what’s the point in continuing to play the damn thing?”


Addressing each school individually, Swofford said, “The Canes? Boy, did Shalala sell me a pig in a poke with that one. Major football power my butt. And how about their basketball? Geez, McGuire drew more at Carolina when the Heels were playing in Woolen Gym. Fredo? Need I say more? I would point out that those who claimed a bunch of New England Yankees would never fit in culturally with a Southern-based fan base weren’t entirely correct. There was some common ground- for instance, nobody in Boston cared about Fredo, either, but that is hardly a basis for keeping them in the league.”

Swofford admitted that strong consideration had been given to retaining Virginia Tech in the ACC. “They were at least close by and fit in,” said Swofford. “Plus, they have been carrying us in football. As bad as this league has been in football, can you imagine how much worse it would have been without Tech? But Caulton Tudor assures me that Butch is now going to win the MNC at Carolina from now on, so maybe it’s just as well that Butch doesn’t have to tangle with Beamer anymore, if you know what I mean.”

vtncSwofford acknowledged that “we will look pretty stupid getting rid of the ACC school in the state of Virginia that does not have an AD who is a blithering idiot while keeping that clown show in Hooville, but, they were here first. Plus, there’s that whole academic thing, which a couple of our presidents claim to care about. Besides, this isn’t the first time Tech has been screwed over by a conference. They will get over it.”

Swofford concluded his press conference by introducing the ACC’s newest motto:  ‘Then, Before Then, Now and Almost Always.’

Officials of the now 19-team Even Bigger East were not available for comment.


  1. Put-in, PhD — April 1, 2009 #

    No comments needed. Spot on.


  2. Will Stewart — April 1, 2009 #

    Oh, for God’s sake, Jim, did you have to include a photo of Shalalalalala? That was a nice read until I saw that pic, and now I have to change my underwear.


    Greg Reply:

    Gee Will, I had no idea Donna turned you on enough to have to change your underwear!!!!


    Will Stewart Reply:

    Well played. I guess I stepped right into that one.


  3. Robert D — April 9, 2009 #

    In retrospect, that 10-team ACC would have been nice with just the nine we had + VPI&SU.


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