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Mr. Jefferson goes 1 for 2 07/03/09

The following is historical fact unless it is not.

The United States again celebrates Independence Day, July 4th. This day, in 1776, the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, declaring their freedom from England and the establishment of a new nation based on liberty.

The author of that Declaration was Thomas Jefferson, who was later to serve the fledgling nation as both its third President and Ambassador to France. Mr. Jefferson is also renowned for establishing a university in Hooville. While the historical record surrounding the Declaration of Independence is extensive, less is known about Mr. Jefferson’s motivations in founding Hoo U. As the nation commemorates Mr. Jefferson’s great literary work, perhaps time can be found to also reflect on how his university was founded.

The following historical narrative is supplied by George Washington.

“We had finished signing the Declaration and had headed to the nearest bar. Let me tell you, declaring your independence from England was thirsty work. We were drinking bourbon and listening to Ben. Every time he got a snootful of brown liquor, he started carrying on about how the wild turkey should be the national bird. He might have had a point; the national liquor, anyway. Suddenly the room was filled with this god-awful smell. Everybody started gagging and exclaiming, “Ben!”

“It wasn’t Franklin, though. Hamilton elbowed me, pointed to the door and said, “Get a load of him.” In pranced Jefferson. He was wearing that blue coat he wore all the time, the one trimmed with all of that fancy French orange lace he loved. The smell came from the French perfume he loved to wear at night when he put on his French lace and headed out to cruise those bars none of the rest of us would get near. We always figured Sally was a beard, but, really, hoo knew?

“While the rest of us were swilling bourbon, Jefferson had to have his French wine. I mean, we were going to have to fight George and here Jefferson was sipping wine. It was a recipe for losing, if you ask me.

“Anyway, there was Jefferson, sipping his wine and carrying on about how much smarter he was than the rest of us rednecks because he wrote the Declaration. That and how much he loved France. Boy, did he ever carry on about the frogs. He was saying something in that lisp of his about how, when this was all over, he was going back to Monticello and, as he put it, “A’ll grow grapes and make wine just like the French.”

“As he usually did when Jefferson went off about his superior intellect, Madison started needling him. Jefferson got pissed when Madison called out, “Hey Tommy, want some cheese with that whine?” Jefferson cried, “I surrender. I’m tired of trying to teach you bunch of ruffians culture.” When Madison told him, “TJ, you ought to found a school where you can teach all this high-fallooting crap,” a funny look came over Jefferson’s face and he said, “You know, I just might do that. Somebody has to be convinced they are smarter than you hokie bunch of rubes.”

“While Jefferson stared off into space lost in deep thought while humming those Tony Bennett tunes he loved, the rest of us started talking about football; after all, we were guys in a bar. That snapped Jefferson out of it. “Football?” he exclaimed, adding, “What a disgusting sport! I hope The University I found never has good football on the Grounds. Lacrosse, now there’s a real sport.” “


  1. Atlee — July 3, 2009 #

    I knew the present day HOOs came by their HOO-tiness naturally.


  2. Freighttrain — July 4, 2009 #

    I think Madison might have been a nancy boy also, but he realized football was man’s sport. Being a small guy though, he thought his school would best succeed with small guys, hence Division I-aa


  3. Chuck Vipperman — July 5, 2009 #

    George Washington would know good football. He threw a quarter across the Delaware for goodness sakes! When was the last time UVA-C had a QB with that kinda arm strength?


    Jim Reply:

    Washington was a good coach, too. He laid serious RUTS on Cornwallis, the British algroh, at the Yorktown Bowl.


    Walkin' Willie Reply:

    It’s a conundrum because if it weren’t for the frogs, we pretty much would be British subjects.

    The “burden” I bear is that my direct ancestor, Dr. Thomas Walker was young Mr. Jefferson’s guardian – and supposedly was the birth doctor when lil’ Tommy was born but that is unsubstantiated I believe.

    Thing is, we ALL know that Ben Franklin actually wrote the Declaration Of Independence – TJ was just a scribe…


  4. Jon Schmidt — July 6, 2009 #

    I enjoy your writing though I must admit I do not fully understand some of the nicknames and references at times.

    Your 4th of July “historical” tribute is one of your better. HOO knew that even our forefathers were such great Hokies.

    I caught it mid day at work and it lifting my spirits enough to get me through the day. Keep writing and I will read the ones I do and not the ones I do not.


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