A-Line Extra: Butch ‘Surprised’

North Carolina football coach Butch Davis expressed ‘surprise’ at the latest investigation of his football program.

At a hastily-called press conference also attended by North Carolina Chancellor Holden Thorp and Athletic Director Dick Baddour, it was revealed that the NCAA had uncovered yet another impropriety in the Tar Heels’ scandal-plagued football program. Allegations of academic fraud joined the ever-lengthening list of problems with Davis’ team.

While both Thorp and Baddour promised a ‘full investigation’ by Carolina into the multitude of wrongdoings attached to the team, Butch pleaded ignorance. When informed that a tutor to Carolina players had perhaps written term papers for the scholar-athletes, Butch exclaimed, “She did? I’m shocked. Who knew?” When told that the tutor was also employed as a nanny to his son, Butch said, “Well, she did turn in an excellent written resume, but I just figured that was part of her fine Carolina education. Go figure.”

When asked how he could possibly claim ignorance of the entire affair, Butch claimed that “I pay no more attention to my family than I do what is going on with my football team.  Let’s face it, I’m a busy man. How can I be blamed for making honest mistakes in hiring dishonest nannies or assistant coaches? You, sitting beside me, what’s your name? Holden, what kind of a name is that? What do you do around here, anyway? Never mind. Look, you realize that none of this is my fault, don’t you? Well, don’t you?”

Warming to the subject, Butch passionately exclaimed, “Hey, I run an honest program. Just ask them at Miami. I cleaned that place up from all of the problems that occurred while I was on the staff that caused them. Well, maybe you’d better not ask Miami. Alright, ask the N&O. They will tell you what a dead honest coach I am and probably will again this Sunday. Caulton, where are you at?”

Butch concluded by claiming again that he paid no attention whatsoever to anything that went on in his program. “I’m the victim here,” said Butch, concluding with, “Why does everything always happen to me?”

After the press conference, Butch was overheard talking on his cell phone. “Jimmy, I’ve got to get out of here in a hurry. Is the Arkansas job still open?….. Petrino, what a laugh. He’ll have them on probation in no time. Then I can clean them up, too.”