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2010
26
Aug

A-Line Extra: Butch ‘Surprised’

North Carolina football coach Butch Davis expressed ‘surprise’ at the latest investigation of his football program.

At a hastily-called press conference also attended by North Carolina Chancellor Holden Thorp and Athletic Director Dick Baddour, it was revealed that the NCAA had uncovered yet another impropriety in the Tar Heels’ scandal-plagued football program. Allegations of academic fraud joined the ever-lengthening list of problems with Davis’ team.

While both Thorp and Baddour promised a ‘full investigation’ by Carolina into the multitude of wrongdoings attached to the team, Butch pleaded ignorance. When informed that a tutor to Carolina players had perhaps written term papers for the scholar-athletes, Butch exclaimed, “She did? I’m shocked. Who knew?” When told that the tutor was also employed as a nanny to his son, Butch said, “Well, she did turn in an excellent written resume, but I just figured that was part of her fine Carolina education. Go figure.”

When asked how he could possibly claim ignorance of the entire affair, Butch claimed that “I pay no more attention to my family than I do what is going on with my football team.  Let’s face it, I’m a busy man. How can I be blamed for making honest mistakes in hiring dishonest nannies or assistant coaches? You, sitting beside me, what’s your name? Holden, what kind of a name is that? What do you do around here, anyway? Never mind. Look, you realize that none of this is my fault, don’t you? Well, don’t you?”

Warming to the subject, Butch passionately exclaimed, “Hey, I run an honest program. Just ask them at Miami. I cleaned that place up from all of the problems that occurred while I was on the staff that caused them. Well, maybe you’d better not ask Miami. Alright, ask the N&O. They will tell you what a dead honest coach I am and probably will again this Sunday. Caulton, where are you at?”

Butch concluded by claiming again that he paid no attention whatsoever to anything that went on in his program. “I’m the victim here,” said Butch, concluding with, “Why does everything always happen to me?”

After the press conference, Butch was overheard talking on his cell phone. “Jimmy, I’ve got to get out of here in a hurry. Is the Arkansas job still open?….. Petrino, what a laugh. He’ll have them on probation in no time. Then I can clean them up, too.”

7 Comments

  1. BobLee — August 26, 2010 #

    Look for Butch’s poll numbers to do “an Obama” as UNC rank/file back waaaay off.  No Fat Cats seeking photo ops for sure.  A certain deranged loon faction will dig in but who cares.
    All quite unknown territory for Franklin Streeters.  Wuffs in total delirium and burning benches on The Brickyard to celebrate!  The “academic shenanigans” bring in a different UNC segment who can “grasp this” but never focused on the agent thingy.
    Can’t wait for Chick Soccer to begin.  Go Anson Go !!!
    BL

    Reply

  2. JDanWuff — August 26, 2010 #

    Just back from Hillsborough Street.  The round-a-bouts are decorated  in light blue toilet paper.  Butch couldn’t be any more out of it.  I guess the tenured faculty over at the Hill will have a hissy for sure.
    Sorry, but it is funny!    The perfect blend of academics and athletics is taking a beating.

    Reply

  3. techcutter — August 27, 2010 #

    I think you deserve a Mulligan on your prediction that Carolina finished 3rd in the Coastal.  Or were you referring to their scout team?

    Reply

    Jim Reply:

    I gave the Weauxf Gods enough ammunition with my Boise pick. They will get no further encouragement.

    Reply

  4. sKim Dung-Ill — August 27, 2010 #

    The People’s Republic must close its borders and threaten the world (or at least the Resurgent Triads Park) with nuclear holocaust. If I were Butch, I’d sent a couple of submarines to Raleigh to sink their practice facility, to show that I ain’t kidding. Draw a line, call it 38th parallel, and decimate (with extreme prejudice) every NCAA official, agent, tutor, and/or random N&O reporter that tries to cross it. Hey, it works in my place.
     
    Sincerely, with best wishes, your fearless Leader,
    Skim Dung iLL
    p.s. Good luck Butch, I love you.

    Reply

  5. snakeman40 — August 27, 2010 #

    First my Browns and now my Heels……..Butch, lick me

    Reply

    Jim Reply:

    Chuck, don’t you remember me telling you a decade or so ago what would happen in Cleveland? Not much has changed.

    Reply

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